I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
