oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
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