sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
