i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
