Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Randomize
