I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
