Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Be still, my beating vagina.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize