i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Randomize
