I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
