mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Randomize
