we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
