my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
