the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
