imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Why did my mother make you get naked?
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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