I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
