why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
