I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
