I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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