I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I can't put those talents on a resume
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
