i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
My ATM looks so different sober.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
