My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I AM VODKA MAN
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
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