She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
