i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
