"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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