you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
