Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
