I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
