if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
