i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
