i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Randomize
