tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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