omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
