I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
This is my gift to your gina
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
