Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Randomize
