girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize