She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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