drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize