If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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