The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
