what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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