It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
