i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
