Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Why is your signature on my underwear?
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
