Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
