He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
this must be what syphilis tastes like
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize
