Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
