I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Randomize
