Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
