I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
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