The best revenge is premature balding
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
