My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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