no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
