my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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