my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
He better not be in your backpack
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
