So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
