I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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