Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
