Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
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