He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
My vagina just clenched in fear
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